My shakti left the building this past week. My mojo vacated to Mexico. My She Bang was barely booming my inner universe. It felt horrible. Painful even. Like going from Technicolor vision to black and white, pomegranates to potatoes, Astroglide to KY Jelly. Every time I checked in, I got nuthin’. My true self drew my personality self a big depressing blank. I felt like I was covered with a thick funky fog from a Stephen King novel. I became depressed and withdrawn and even started watching really bad T.V. (gasp).
Finally, last night I managed to lift my self out of the creepy weepy fog just enough to receive a download from divinity.
“You need to love Me”
Whaa? Love the divine? Come on! Give me a freakin’ break! I’ve loved you since I was cosmically conceived. I wanted to be a nun for the first ten years of my life, for Christ’s sake. In third grade I scribbled “I HEART God” on every test, note, and paper, risking severe teasing from my peers. I spent years yawning behind the rigid walls of academia to appropriately study you. I traveled around the world and dealt with all sorts of physical ailments to encounter you. I have participated in countless personal retreats, read all the books, done all the workshops, risked late-night dangerous bus rides through the Himalayas - all in order to directly experience you. I have dedicated my life, my career to sharing my experience of you in order to inspire others to deepen their own unique relationship to you. I have faced, and continue to face, my deepest fears in order to spread the red, and btw, while I’m bitching, you know I haven’t seen a dime yet for all this work and my checking account and credit card debt would make Suze Orman pass out with a bottle of Scotch. And isn’t it enough that I love you through loving the people in my life, the trees, my parrot, my self, organic vegetables, even a few Republicans…isn’t this loving you? What more do you want from me?
Gulp. After I piped down from my loaded defense, I inquired deeper. I looked, I unpeeled, I began to slowly realize, that I was, well, scared shitless to love the divine in this seemingly new way - free from patriarchal ideas of the divine, prescribed ideologies, popular modern spiritual maxims, rituals, trends, personal habits, my past. When I listened I heard a few definitive basic reasons why… from my unconscious (Sense a theme these past few posts? I’ll be nailing this one home for a while folks. The shadow world is just too damn revealing. My conscious beliefs have very little power when they’re up against my unconscious beliefs). So. If I love the divine the way my spirit wants to, deep down, where the shadow puppets frolic, I’m scared:
1. I will lose my personal power.
2. I will turn into a freaky sappy chick no one can relate to or want to invite to dinner for fear I will lick their foreheads and hug the steak.
3. My human relationships won’t measure up to this Divine Lovegasm and I will continuously be let down and disappointed.
4. I won’t be regarded as “professional” in my career.
Also, if I love the divine the way my spirit longs to, really and truly love like I have never loved before, won’t I split open like the Grand Canyon? Won’t my blood burn through my skin? Won’t my eyelashes catch fire and my heart beat so loud that I’ll disrupt yoga classes, airports, sex toy stores and bookshelves?
I paused, took some deep breaths, went into my heart, and began to feel all the space I had been saving, guarding, protecting. Tears came and came and came, and so did the obvious and deeply humbling other reason why I’m hesitant to love the divine in this new way:
5. I don’t know how
Really. I have no idea. How the hell do you love Love? I can’t exactly smooch the universe or bring it red gerber daisies. I know that how I’ve loved in the past has been beautiful and real and good, but this new nudge to love feels amorphous, unknown, foreign, and obviously uncomfortable. This new way of loving also feels very needed, because I’m calling my self to experience it, repeatedly, gently, with a fancy cosmic fog machine.
I then understood that the only One who is capable of teaching me how to love the divine in this new way, is the divine - which I’ll admit is sort of woo woo and circuitous and chicken and egg-like, but this understanding felt like an energetic allowance more than an intellectual or intuitive realization.
Suddenly the Red Lady interrupted my spiritual navel gazing with the song lyric, “give a little bit, give a little bit of your love to me!”. I burst out laughing and said, “fine, teach me how to love you”.
And with that red invocation, the shakti shook free, my mojo made out with my She Bang, and together they huffed and puffed and blew the fog away. I have no idea what will happen next, how the love lessons will unfold, but I’ve always been a good student.
So how are you loving the divine/universe/god/dess/energy these days? How long do you make out with divinity? How far do you go?