Spiritual Cowgirl

“You were seeking their approval”.

Shit.

Not exactly what I want to be hearing from my higher self regarding a few of the fabulous social interactions I experienced last weekend. But this is what happens when I inquire within – the answers always come, and although deeply compassionate, they state truth the way Kali wields a sword. Clean, clear, and swift. Off with my head. Again and again and again. Makes me want to hermit out with a bottle of sake and a planter of Orchids, except knowing me, after a while, I’ll try to get the flowers drunk and the sake to bloom… in order to seek the divine’s approval.

My higher self asked me to meditate, dive deep into my unconscious, and listen for the top 10 reasons why I seek approval from others. Not exactly a fun exercise, but I did it anyway and lemme tell ya, the reasons I intuited for seeking approval, suck. I want to tear them up and flush them down the universe’s toilet and pretend they don’t exist. These are not even statements I consciously believe in – they are hidden rip tides, internalized programs, moldy beliefs that are unconscious. But I also know that if I don’t acknowledge them and accept them as a funky part of my inner posse, hand them each a sexy red t-shirt and a kazoo, they will continue to pollute my social interactions with their mourning breath. And I prefer to smell like Red Egyptian Musk when I’m up close and personal.

Alright, enough prefacing. Here are the top ten unconscious reasons Sera seeks approval from strangers, friends, family, lovers, bosses, publishers, agents, blog readers, and even, the divine.

1. I want to be right
2. I want to be loved and admired
3. I want to be safe
4. I need to survive
5. I want to control how others experience me
6. I want to please
7. I’m scared they’ll think I’m not good enough
8. It’s the only way I’ll get what I want
9. I’m nothing without their approval – I cease to exist (Ouch!)
10. How else will people like me?

Yay me! We all know it’s not cool to try and seek approval. It’s like driving a nail into the tire of our spirit’s Prius. It’s like rubbing Velcro on Chinese silk. It’s like Donald Trump’s comb over. It’s a waste of energy, touch, and really good hair gel. Seeking approval cinches our natural flow, mocks our authentic beauty, and keeps us separate, unable to truly connect and be present with the one, and the One, we are with.

We seek approval in often incredibly subtle ways. You might think you’re all fine and dandy with your beliefs, your spiritual practices, your political views, your body, your reality, your heart, your sexuality, but watch yourself in your next personal interaction…especially if it’s a new person you’re meeting. Pay close attention. Where does your mind go? How well are you listening to them? What’s happening with your body language? Why are you sharing this particular information about yourself with this person at this time? What’s really fueling your presentation?

My interactions last week were diverse, profound, pleasurable, exciting, and apparently, extremely revealing…at least to my higher self. And that’s why she keeps pushing me into the line of fire and providing subtitles: “ooh, did you catch that tone you just used? You tried to prove your reality trumps his reality. Interesting. Hey now, check that out, the way you just non-answered his question? Sheesh, you’re not dancing with the stars tonight, you’re dancing way the hell around them? Why did you tell her about your future book plans? What were you trying to prove? That coy mask you just raised – holy smoke screens! We haven’t seen that one since what, high school?! Oh sweet Mercury, notice how you shifted your eyes and withdrew your energy right then and there? Yeah chica, that was the seeker seeking to be sought, again”. And on and on the tutoring continues.

Let me be clear: this is not criticism. This is not my ego speaking. This is my divine spark gently reviewing my home movie. I actually invite this crazy wisdom of a witness into all of my interactions, all the time now, because I’m here to be authentic, or I’m not here at all. Obviously. I would like to be free. I would like to blaze forth as Is. I would like to really and truly, completely and honestly, not give a fuck what people think of me. Eventually. Right now, I would like you to think that this post is super cool. Shit.

So, how do you seek approval? What situations provoke you? What people? How do you share your self, your universe, your heart with another, without somewhere, somehow, hoping they approve?

All the red deities and angels and glowing mystics know that making love on an Altar does a spirit, a body, and most definitely, a Church, good. In fact, in ancient times, in certain cultures (in Mesopotamia, India, Egypt, Greece, even Italy), altars were the best place to get your groove thang on, usually with a priestess or a priest who was a well-trained “stand in” for a goddess or god. In other words, if you were alive back then (and you probably were, once) you could (or did) visit a temple in order to directly experience the divine… through sex.

Now, that’s Holy Communion!

But when the monotheistic religious giants rolled into town, they were not so kind to these priestesses or priests. The One God was, well, frigid, and if he ever had sex, well, apparently it was just with himself. There was no Goddess around to help create the New. Sexuality became spirituality’s nemesis. But, here we are, a few thousand years later, and it seems like the sacred sex train has steamed back into town, modern priestesses are throwing back the covers, and even “ordinary” Jane and John have begun to actively seek out the spiritual within the sexual and the sexual within the spiritual and they will break into Churches and get all sorts of hot and messy to prove it.

Check out this recent news story that a Friend directed my way:

A couple in Florida were caught doing the dirty deed on the altar of a Baptist Church. The couple brought red candles to set the mood and the Deputies who arrested them complained that “there was splattered red wax all over the altar“! When asked why they did the horizontal tango in a Church, the young woman simply said “she wanted a spiritual and sexual experience”. To which, Isis and Mary Magdalene and Ishtar sung “Hallaluja, sista!”.

Now I’m not saying these two frisky kids are some sort of modern-day priest and priestess, and I’m not advocating that we disrespect someone else’s place of worship (well, maybe sometimes, if the spirit moves ya) but this story is a juicy little reminder of how this sexual spiritual energy is rising up in all the right places these days - and it’s important to inquire, pay attention, and investigate what this might mean.

A Red Point: You can’t suppress an innately horny Universe forever, no matter how many people you punish or how many deities you banish or how many bad clothing choices you make. Payback is a powerful bitch that likes to desecrate (or consecrate???) church altars with red candle wax.

So what can you do this week to help relieve the Universe? What can you do to sanctify your sexuality and sully your spirituality? There are only so many churches…(wink)

Good Friday and Happy Easter, Ostara, Purim, Holi, Full Moon and Spring Equinox!

A Bit O’ Red Herstory:
Forget pastel-colored eggs this Sunday! In the Eastern Orthodox tradition red eggs are exchanged at Easter. Why red? Well, once upon a new millennium, a powerful spiritual teacher named Mary Magdalene decided to visit a grumpy Roman Emperor, Tiberius, in order to tell him about the risen Christ. For this important meeting, Mary brought a white egg as a symbol of new life and Christ’s Resurrection (she also knew men need visuals in order to get the deeper symbolic meaning of things). After Mary shared the good news Tiberius responded - not too surprisingly – with, “B.S.!” He believed the lady in red was most definitely nutz (or drunk off that special red wine that J.C. was so famous for creating spontaneously. If J.C. was around today, I bet he’d run a winery in Napa called “Sinsuality”. I also bet he’d host one helluva Re-Birthday party. Holy hangovers are so worth it. But I digress).

Tiberius announced “A human being can no more rise from the dead than the egg in your hand could turn red” (at which, Inanna, Attis, and Osiris immediately spit out their wine and slapped each other on the back like they had just heard the silliest thing, like ever. Well, at least since that crazy rumor about Eve causing “The Fall” of humankind). A word to the wise: When the Divine Feminine pays you a personal visit, listen to her, no matter how love drunk she may appear or how sexy she moves under her robes or what crazy wise information she decides to throw your way. I mean really.

But Mary didn’t flinch at Tiberius’s rude response, she looked him straight in the eye, raised the egg to her chest (directly in front of her heart), pointed to it – and the white egg turned red. Yep, the Divine Feminine has always loved to turn things (and people) a beautiful, bold, shade of Red.

Resurrect Yer Fine Self
J.C. demonstrated that death is necessary for rebirth, but Christianity isn’t the only kid on the spiritual block with a death wish. Sufis often say “die before you die,” by which they mean we need to die to the ego self in order to be reborn to our divine Self. Btw, Sufis are also big fans of the vino, hmmm… (Rumi nods passionately, swigs, and swoons). And most shamans from around the world had to undergo a “death” before they started their healing work - sometimes they were even temporarily buried alive, which symbolized the necessary surrender of their previous life.

Not jiving with crucifixion, drunk Sufis or dirty shamans? No problem. You can still take full advantage of this, er, “metamorphical” season by letting go of that which no longer serves your highest good. If you’re not quite sure what to let go of, simply ask yourself: “What needs to die and be reborn?” Be willing to hear the answers.

A stagnant relationship? A repressive belief system? A self-destructive attitude? An environmentally unfriendly habit? A crappy diet? A spiritual practice that might have served you well in the past, but is making your spirit yawn in the present? A hair style you’ve had since 1997?

Pay close attention to your intuition and the divine winks fluttering throughout your day, and you’ll soon realize that some piece of your self, some part of your life, is asking to die, to be transformed, so you can create the space to become a powerful container, for the New. As Marion Woodman says, “New wine poured into an old wine skin will cause it to burst”. And all the goddesses and gods know that it’s a Cardinal Sin to waste good wine.

While death ain’t exactly fun or easy, the more we try to hang on to the old, the more painful and slow the death can be. Bottom line: we can’t escape the natural process of death and rebirth. Change is the only constant in life (and death). Like a snake whose skin is restricting her graceful movements, like a caterpillar who innately knows she’s reached her limits, like a young sexy (in my red opinion) Jewish man from the first century who sacrificed his life for a higher good – you too need to shed your tight skin, morph into a beautiful butterfly, “die” to who you believe yourself to be so you can be reborn to who you really are.

As the Japanese mystic, Ikkyu, so beautifully wrote:

“A butterfly hovers in front of her face
how long will she sleep”

After all, tis the season to play strip poker with the Universe and win your self a brand new life. And, make sure to throw yourself a rockin’ Re-birthday Party, replete with red wine, red eggs, and a red Welcome mat for the Divine Feminine.

Check out this hilarious and deeply moving new documentary about a Rock ‘n’ Roll Camp for Girls in Portland! The two male documentarians trace the path of 4 girls, ages 7 through 17 through the transformative experience of the week-long camp. The filmmakers say they got an in-depth look at what it means to be a girl these days, “The film that we ended up making…wasn’t just cute girls with guitars. It was about girlhood, about why it meant so much to these girls to go to a place where they could be loud, where they were not worried about what they were dressed as or what their weight was”.

When these girls first got to the camp, most were extremely quiet. Even if they had loud voices, they were, as the filmmakers found, sort of energetically “silenced”. The more the filmmakers interviewed these girls, they became aware of just how much the culture, media, and male/female dynamics have silenced them. Put a guitar in a boy’s hands and he’s screaming and rocking out, put one in a girls hands, and she stands there for a while, not sure if she should rock out. Shyness, lack of confidence, strong body-image concerns were abundant in the interviews – in fact, one of the girls says this: “I just accept that I hate myself and I don’t really think about it”. The filmmakers said it’s hard to talk to these girls about “being silenced” by the culture around them when they are, well, silenced.

But at rock camp most of these girls find their voices again, they taste what it’s like to break free from the subtle but dominant energies that bind them, and they realize that being “loud” is not about the volume of your voice, it’s about reclaiming and freely expressing your unique feminine power.

You Tube Video Link

I have a blushing red confession to make:

My Alexander Technique lessons turn me On.

I don’t think my teacher knows this and I’m not sure if it’s Technically correct to feel so turned On (Alexander is probably tossing in his grave right now as I write this), but I gotta be honest about this phenomenon because I think it’s pretty damn amazing. And I did just write that Rumi post. And maybe it could open up new marketing avenues for the Alexander Technique (wink).

Now, despite how turned On I feel during (and after) a lesson, I always behave myself – I do not grope my teacher or manipulate him, ya know, try to shift and get him to touch me “right there” or project on to him or blast him with my second chakra or do anything unprofessional. I also know that my wonderfully gifted Alexander Technique teacher is not trying to turn me on, he is just, rather masterfully, creating the space for me to turn myself On.

That’s right, he’s not doing anything “to me”. He’s not healing me or fixing me or opening me or even helping me. His touch is always clean, boundaries are incredibly clear, there isn’t even a definitive “student” or “teacher” during our lessons. His hands, to me, are the divine’s hands, or a bodhisattvas’s or Mary Magdalene’s or a Goddess’s or my own (depending which day of the week it is and what dreams I’ve had the night before). His professional touch simply reminds me to be present, to come back into my body, to allow the universe to dance through me, to stop doing and start being, and to connect with everything and everyone so intimately that the distinction between I and Thou dissolves, like an ice cube in hot chocolate.

Can it get any hotter? Oh yes it can. My Alexander Technique lessons are splashed with Tango. Whaa? That’s right, I’m learning “tango- inspired Alexander Technique”. Ah, yes, how sweatingly poetic (I now deem sweatingly a legitimate “red” word). The Red Lady could not have set this up any better. Because not only am I experiencing some incredibly positive benefits from these lessons, they also press many of my red buttons: my issues, fears, shyness, and resistance to authentic connection are revealed, touch by touch, movement by movement.

Authentic connection is a tricky one for me. I love connecting with my friends and family and lovers and readers. Connecting spiritually with a goddess – I’m right there, pushing back her cosmic cuticles, but connecting physically and energetically with another human, especially a man that I’m not in an intimate relationship with, makes my ego do a nosedive and my body stiffen while my spirit bats her lashes. It’s, uh, confronting, to say the least.

So, I make a ton of “mistakes” in my sessions. I get in the way. I laugh a lot. I have come to realize fairly quickly that it’s useless to “try” during these lessons (although, I then try to stop trying). Any attempts to “do” or to excel at the Technique, fail. Therefore, during the lesson, the “A+ student” complex has to hang out in the corner, taking notes with the “good girl” and “ the pleaser” and the “scared of getting it wrong” complexes, till the class is over. Then I take them all across the street to Whole Foods for organic blueberry juice.

Speaking of Whole Foods, it’s not quite the same after an Alexander Technique lesson. Seriously. Today I fell in love with my grocery cart. I would have married it if it wasn’t illegal to do so. The smooth cool touch of the plastic, the thrill of dancing gracefully with it through the narrow aisles. We had a…special connection. And then there’s the food - the textures, the colors, the smells, the temperatures. Have you ever caressed produce in public? Sure, you receive some curious stares from strangers, but it’s worth it, and here’s a red trick: if the stares get too much, simply rub a cucumber “just so”, look them in the eye, and wink. It’s rare times like these that make you realize life really is like a veritable energetic orgy if you allow it to be. Rumi wasn’t just being poetic. And this allowance makes grocery shopping (hell, everything) so much more worth while, so much more alive, so much more divine.

The most beautiful part of what I’m learning (and re-learning and re-learning every single lesson) is that this mystico-erotic awareness is completely natural. Despite the fancy adjective I just gave it, this state of being is not special. And despite the way I might write about it, it’s certainly not dirty or even stereotypically mystical or sexual. It’s sensual. It’s loving. It’s raw. It’s just what Is. True intimate connection with life with others with food and trees and the air and shopping carts is what we’re here to experience.

In fact, if more of us allowed for this level of divine intimacy, if more of us realized our interdependence, this planet would not be in such a crisis. We couldn’t do the things we’re doing to destroy it because to hurt this planet, or each other, would feel like we were cutting our own skin, chopping off a limb, drinking poison. It’s obvious, it’s even a bit cliché, but I tell ya, there’s nothing like directly experiencing this idea, this natural state of being, to remind you of this truth.

So what are you doing in your life to connect more deeply?
What turns you On?

(and if any of you are in the Bay Area, you should definitely try a session with my teacher. He gets a big red stamp of divine approval…not that he needs it)