Spiritual Cowgirl

(photo from argyrenia.wordpress.com/ 2007/01/16/)

Yesterday I went to a neighborhood café to write. As I was waiting in line to order my chai, the young woman working the counter suddenly yelled “SIR! STOP IT! STOP TAKING MY TIPS!!!! SIR!! And then she jumped up on top of the counter, spilling the drink she had just made. The guilty man dropped her money back into the tip jar and stepped back. She climbed off the counter and said “I will give you a free coffee if you need one, but don’t you dare take my tips!” But by that time, the owner, a sweet middle aged woman had come running up and she told the thief to leave immediately.

We were all shocked. Frozen. It was one of those crazy moments where you’re not quite sure what the hell is happening, because there is yelling and fear and anger and the energy gets super thick. But, as soon as I understood the situation I calmed down, and then watched her serve the rest of the customers and apologize, to one person after another for her outburst. I noticed something as I watched, and this is not a judgment, it’s an observation of a very small group of people, but, the men were totally freaked by her. They didn’t know how to answer her apology or even really look at her. It was fascinating.

Then, two women who were right ahead of me, answered her apology with a “that was awesome! Good job!”. I breathed and smiled and felt reassured about humanity. And when it was my turn, I looked her in the eyes and said “you have no need to apologize for using your voice. We all need to do that more, especially women, especially when someone is crossing a line. And we have no reason to feel bad about that. You truly were awesome, inspiring!” She smiled and blushed and I smiled and moved on.

As I sipped my chai on the café patio, and tried to write, an image flashed before my eyes. An image of me sobbing. I took a self-defense class years ago. One of the first exercises the male teachers had us practice was driving a man away just by using our voice, our energy, our power - no physical touch was allowed.

When it was my turn, I couldn’t get my aggressor away. I went all love and light on him and sort of left my body, and believed he couldn’t touch me and I was being more “spiritual” this way. But the man turned darker, nastier, more aggressive. Finally, fed up, he broke character and said “if this was a real incident you would be raped or dead right now! What the hell do I have to do to wake you up girlie?!”

And then he slapped me.

And I instantly roared “GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!!!”. He jumped back and said “good, now I want you to do that again, but not with your chest (lungs) but coming from a deeper place, your vagina (yep)”. So The Roar came up again, from my yoni, from the dark, from the ashes, and She was so freaking real and raw and Goddess, and, so totally and completely unfamiliar, that I immediately started sobbing.

My chai half way finished, my computer screen still blank, another incident flashed before me. My cosmic twin, megg, and I were watching a movie in a theater years ago when I happened to look down and see a hand in my purse. And the hand wasn’t mine. I jumped up and turned around to see a huge man, about 6 foot 7 and around 300 pounds laying on the ground under my movie seat (we were in the last row of the theater). Instantly I yelled in a very deep very strong very loud voice “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?”. Megg jumped so high in the air I thought she would get a nose bleed. The man jumped up as well, as much as 300 pounds and a mouth full of gold teeth will allow. He towered over us (megg and I together weighed about half of this man’s weight) He said he had lost his keys. Uh huh, in my purse.

We had a very brief but heated exchange and then he ran out of the theater (the cops caught him later stealing from another person, he was an ex con who had just been released that week, very cliche I know, but it’s the truth). The freaky thing was that only one person turned around and offered to help us during this frightening and very loud incident. One person. A woman.

Chai now finished I flashed back through this past week in N.Y.C. I thought about how I had to use my yoni/divine spark/voice with Old Bearded White Man and how tempting it was to feel bad about it, guilty for it, not “spiritual” for feeling anger towards him. I also thought about how I had to use my voice this past week (not so loudly, but definitely with the same healthy self-protective/self-defining energy) to claim my space within two very intimate and beloved relationships. And again, I experienced the fear of hurting them, and the guilt for speaking my truth and holding my ground.

And then I flashed back to the café counter girl, and my reaction to her bold actions. How I loved her for doing what she did. How brave I thought she was. How “right” I thought she was. Because I knew she had every right to claim her space, her money, her life, no matter what the other people in the cafe thought, and I suddenly realized that in watching her, I saw love. Fierce Love. I understood on a spirit level that her speaking out like that was an act of love, for her self and even for the man she yelled at.

And then I smiled. Hugged my self. Closed down my computer and left the café.

So how have you been using your voice lately?

If you spent all night getting it on with God/dess, what would your morning breath smell like?

After reading the San Francisco Chronicle’s ninety-percent negative news stories for the day, I decided I needed, well, something, to help me feel better about what’s happening on this funky chaotic messy planet, so I visited the Positive News site.

This small site is dedicated to publishing positive news, stories about people creating positive change through sustainable means in order to help the human species tread a bit lighter on this desperately weighted planet. And the great thing about this site is that there’s no fluff. It’s not “think positive” anecdotes. It’s not idealistic candy. It’s real people, doing real concrete things, that are for sure making the Mama wave her oceans with glee.

So when I find small sites like this, I give them my attention, and my positive energy, and my hope that they grow and grow.

Also, I start looking at my own life. So, here’s a spiritual cowgirl question for ya:

Since we’re all the newscasters for our particular lives, how much positive news about your sweet self are you telling others?

Pay attention to your next conversation with someone, especially the part when they ask you “what’s up?” How much of your answer is “positive”? How much of it is “negative”?

I’ve noticed a social epidemic, especially with women. Many of us tend to share mostly negative stories with others - it’s like we’re conspiring with each other about how much our life, our bosses, our finances, the politicians, our hair, well, sucks. This makes us feel not so alone, it can even be funny and seemingly “polite” at times, but it can keep us swirling in the same stagnant muck if we’re not careful and conscious. I certainly don’t want us to live in denial and not share the authentically “negative” stuff of our lives, but, I do think it’ s incredibly important for us to start paying closer attention to our personal news habits.

Most of us don’t share our positive news stories with enough people, our small or big personal victories. Many of us don’t even know how, or even where to look in our lives for so much positive news. But it just takes practice. It’s about changing lenses, redirecting your focus, and being willing to startle your friends, co-workers, and even strangers.

Everyday.

“I danced like a mad woman in my living room this morning. I told my lover exactly what I needed in bed last night. I just saw the most beautiful tree. My butt looks awesome in this red dress. I just learned how to compost. I wrote a whole entire paragraph for my new book! I just totally blessed the hell out of our boss. I threw away all the clutter in my apartment. I decided it’s time to learn how to forgive myself for my role in that nasty break up. Instead of watching Grey’s Anatomy last night, I meditated on my own anatomy, and I had the best orgasm. Despite my self-consciousness, I smiled at this stranger on the subway. Hey you, yes you, check out the happy face I just drew on the foam of my green tea soy latte!”

You could even call for a nightly “positive news hour” with your girlfriends, where you’re each only allowed to share the cool, positive, kick ass stuff (the big and the seemingly small) you’re doing in your lives. Added bonus: when we start sharing more of the good stuff that’s already present in our daily lives, we start, quite naturally, doing more of the good stuff.

Although this might sound a bit fluffy or trite or self-helpy, trust me, if you start sharing more authentic positive news with those around you, you’ll be creating much-needed social and planetary change, right from your very cubicle, living room, and local café. Remember, it’s all about starting locally….

I just got back from quite the intense week in NYC. I participated in my first co-lecture with Velcrow Ripper at The Open Center, held my first Redvolution workshop (which was sold out – yay!) also at The Open Center, and interviewed my first redvolutionary, CrazySexyCancer gal extraordinaire, Kris Carr, for our upcoming feature documentary film, Redvolution. Lots of firsts. And to throw more logs into my personal fire, important aspects of my intimate relationships were up for some clearing and burning. During this NYC trip, I think I forgot how to sleep, but I remembered the importance of trusting my Self, owning my space, and the necessity of playing with cute dogs when I’m experiencing intense growth spurts. Funny how these amazing furry creatures magically show up in my life (I’m thinking about one puggle, in particular, named Sadie, who sported a rather dazzling snaggletooth) whenever I need some grounding or whenever my life needs some slobbery levity.

In my words: the Red Mama grilled my ass on the “wake up, clear up, speak up - so you can burn brighter like now already chica” stove of Love. Why did it all have to happen at once? No really, why?!

First up on the Sera Shiskabob – Old Bearded White Man. He asked a question during the Q and A section, the last part of our lecture. His question was actually a comment about how he knows he can’t do anything on his own – only God can save or heal.

V and I nodded, although we don’t always favor the G word, we obviously dig the energy behind it. And the very theme of our lecture was spiritual activism, so we had just spent an hour sharing the idea that when people plug into their divine sparks or spirit or Buddha nature or inner God/dess, they’re much more effective at healing and serving this planet.

The Old Bearded White Man then stated: “God is not inside us, that’s narcissistic to think that, He’s outside of us”. Our smiles faded a bit. I answered gently, using academic props from several different traditions, mystics, and so on, to say that many people also experience God inside themselves. Yes, it takes work and careful discernment, but this process is the foundation of many beautiful and powerful spiritual traditions. He didn’t look pleased. I then said “I actually think we’re ultimately saying similar things, it’s just a directional issue”. He abruptly said “no, we’re not”. So I laughed, said thank you, and we took another question.

After the lecture, Old Bearded White Man came up to me and I smiled, thinking “here’s our chance to really connect”, but he shattered my rosy-posy fantasy immediately by saying “You’re wrong. I challenge you. You didn’t answer my question correctly. And just look at what you’re wearing (I was wearing a super cute red dress from Urban Outfitters, black tights, and brown suede flat boots, thank you very much), listen to how you sound, you’re too young and you’re not self realized! I’m a spirit guide and I can tell these things!”

Uh huh. My smile dropped like Kali’s sword and I said “you know a big part of my work is allowing people to be who they are, light and dark, messy and clear…” He cut me off and continued to berate me, when suddenly a loud calm voice came out of me that said: “You’re Not Welcome Here”. He reacted with “don’t you walk away from me!” And I said “I’m standing right here, You’re Not Welcome Here”. And he left.

Was I hurt? Hell yeah. Was I shaken? Yep. Did my divine spark step up despite the yuckies? Oh yeah She did.

The redvelatory thing about my universe is that the Lady makes things fairly obvious. The signs that most often show up for me tend to look in just such a way that I should have no problem getting the symbolic reference. At some point. If I have eyes.

So, this particular piece of sacred signage looked exactly like a classic icon of all things patriarchal (well, western speaking) – an old white man with a white beard. Not only did he look the part, he spoke it with fire and brimstones.

Giggling over the incident later (after I got over my shock and anger and hurt and the surprise of my own voice showing up so loud) my cosmic twin asked if what I meant when I got all divine sparky on his ass, was that he wasn’t welcome at The Open Center? Nope, that’s not what I meant. I knew what I was really saying - and so did he - his energy, his beingness, his intent, was not welcome in my personal space. And that’s that.

Now, here’s the thang, despite his negative attitude and energy, he wasn’t entirely wrong. First off, I wasn’t being my free self during the lecture due to an intense event that happened literally an hour before the lecture that had shaken me up quite a bit.

Second: My voice. Sigh. I warned him and the entire audience before I began the lecture. I warn every audience about my voice before every talk I give. I have stage fright. Serious stage fright. The type that makes my voice sound like a pre-pubescent boy and my body shake like the Pope at a Planned Parenthood Valentine’s Day slumber party. The only way for me to make it through the initial quirks of any talk or book reading is to fully disclose the situation, the shakes, the high-pitched voice, the very real possibility that I might pass out, with humor (what else) and let the show go on. By the Q and A I’m usually calm and not causing windows to shatter. I face some of my deepest fears every time I give a talk. It sucks, but it’s me. For now. And it’s actually pretty hilarious, if you allow it to be.

But this man, being “a spirit guide,” clearly had no compassion for my transparency (makes you wanna re-examine all your “spirit guides” eh?)

Now then, as for his comments on the way I look…Grrrrrrrrrrrr! I have every right to look and dress however the hell I want to and it’s men like him (who clearly haven’t had decent sex in a few decades) who have consciously and unconsciously suppressed women’s sexuality and self-expression for an ever if it doesn’t match their idea of what they deem is “spiritually correct”. The layers I could peel off this comment are many, obviously, but beyond the scope of this post.

As for his comments about me not being self-realized… Shocker. Really. Such the news flash. Uh huh. Especially since I claim I am (not ever) self-realized. Yeah. All the time (never in my life). And who the hell are we to judge one another like that? How can we ultimately know? And Beardy, I don’t give a crap if you’re a special “spirit guide” or a Gandalf the Grey doppleganger or even if you’re “self-realized” – I’m not letting you take my power away by trying to small me with your reality.

My friend says that this encounter is proof that I’m making progress, that I must be doing something right to upset this man, to threaten him so much that he felt the need to come up and try to cut me down. I’m not so sure, but I do know this: as much as I do not like Old Bearded White Man, I do sort of love him - he’s an externalization of my shadow, he brought up my fears, he made me question my self, he taught me a ton, and he got my divine spark to speak up. Way up. He played a very important role for me last week. And he’s a hairy reminder of why this red work is so important.

Because We - the women (and men) of red, are baaaaack. And we’re not getting booted or burned off this time. We’re here to stay, and create our own fires in order to compassionately burn away all (including sterile, sexless, dress codes) that has kept women and men from being and loving their true selves - as messy and funky and shadowy and high-pitched as they might be sometimes.

And I’m sitting here writing this post not out of bitterness, but out of blessed boldness, with deep gratitude, and while wearing a very short skirt.

A friend of mine just sent me this, the letter Krishnamurti wrote when he was dissolving his spiritual organization, The Order of the Star, of which he was the head. He was the long-awaited Mac Daddy teacher of this group, but he rejected this role, freed himself, and spent the rest of his life trying to free others from spiritual stagnation.

Although the wording is a bit old school (the guy wrote this in the mid 1900s), and this letter ain’t short, it’s worth reading the entire piece. The man had balls. The man breathed fire. The man is red.

“I maintain that Truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. That is my point of view, and I adhere to that absolutely and unconditionally. Truth, being limitless, unconditioned, unapproachable by any path whatsoever, cannot be organised; nor should any organisation be formed to lead or coerce people along any particular path. If you first understand that, then you will see how impossible it is to organise a belief. A belief is purely an individual matter, and you cannot and must not organise it. If you do, it becomes dead, crystallised; it becomes a creed, a sect, a religion, to be imposed on others.

This is what everyone throughout the world is attempting to do. Truth is narrowed down and made a plaything for those who are weak, for those who are only momentarily discontented. Truth cannot be brought down, rather the individual must make the effort to ascend to it. You cannot bring the mountain-top to the valley….

So that is the first reason, from my point of view, why the Order of the Star should be dissolved. In spite of this, you will probably form other Orders, you will continue to belong to other organisations searching for Truth. I do not want to belong to any organisation of a spiritual kind; please understand this….

If an organisation be created for this purpose, it becomes a crutch, a weakness, a bondage, and must cripple the individual, and prevent him from growing, from establishing his uniqueness, which lies in the discovery for himself of that absolute, unconditioned Truth. So that is another reason why I have decided, as I happen to be the Head of the Order, to dissolve it.

This is no magnificent deed, because I do not want followers, and I mean this. The moment you follow someone you cease to follow Truth. I am not concerned whether you pay attention to what I say or not. I want to do a certain thing in the world and I am going to do it with unwavering concentration. I am concerning myself with only one essential thing: to set man free. I desire to free him from all cages, from all fears, and not to found religions, new sects, nor to establish new theories and new philosophies. Then you will naturally ask me why I go the world over, continually speaking. I will tell you for what reason I do this; not because I desire a following, not because I desire a special group of special disciples. (How men love to be different from their fellow-men, however ridiculous, absurd and trivial their distinctions, may be! I do not want to encourage that absurdity.) I have no disciples, no apostles, either on earth or in the realm of spirituality.

Nor is it the lure of money, nor the desire to live a comfortable life, which attracts me. If I wanted to lead a comfortable life I would not come to a Camp or live in a damp country! I am speaking frankly because I want this settled once and for all. I do not want these childish discussion year after year.

A newspaper reporter, who interviewed me, considered it a magnificent act to dissolve an organisation in which there were thousands and thousands of members. To him it was a great act because he said: “What will you do afterwards, how will you live? You will have no following, people will no longer listen to you.” If there are only five people who will listen, who will live, who have their faces turned towards eternity, it will be sufficient. Of what use is it to have thousands who do not understand, who are fully embalmed in prejudice, who do not want the new, but would rather translate the new to suit their own sterile, stagnant selves?….

Because I am free, unconditioned, whole, not the part, not the relative, but the whole Truth that is eternal, I desire those, who seek to understand me, to be free, not to follow me, not to make out of me a cage which will become a religion, a sect. Rather should they be free from all fears - from the fear of religion, from the fear of salvation, from the fear of spirituality, from the fear of love, from the fear of death, from the fear of life itself. As an artist paints a picture because he takes delight in that painting, because it is his self-expression, his glory, his well-being, so I do this and not because I want any thing from anyone. You are accustomed to authority, or to the atmosphere of authority which you think will lead you to spirituality. You think and hope that another can, by his extraordinary powers - a miracle - transport you to this realm of eternal freedom which is Happiness. Your whole outlook on life is based on that authority.

You have listened to me for three years now, without any change taking place except in the few. Now analyse what I am saying, be critical, so that you may understand thoroughly, fundamentally….

For eighteen years you have been preparing for this event, for the Coming of the World Teacher. For eighteen years you have organised, you have looked for someone who would give a new delight to your hearts and minds, who would transform your whole life, who would give you a new understanding; for someone who would raise you to a new plane of life, who would give you new encouragement, who would set you free - and now look what is happening! Consider, reason with yourselves, and discover in what way that belief has made you different - not with the superficial difference of the wearing of a badge, which is trivial, absurd. In what manner has such a belief swept away all unessential things of life? That is the only way to judge: in what way are you freer, greater, more dangerous to every society which is based on the false and the unessential? In what way have the members of this organisation of the Star become different?….

You are all depending for your spirituality on someone else, for your happiness on someone else, for your enlightenment on someone else…. when I say look within yourselves for the enlightenment, for the glory, for the purification, and for the incorruptibility of the self, not one of you is willing to do it. There may be a few, but very, very few. So why have an organisation?….

No man from outside can make you free; nor can organised worship, nor the immolation of yourselves for a cause, make you free; nor can forming yourselves into an organisation, nor throwing yourselves into work, make you free. You use a typewriter to write letters, but you do not put it on an alter and worship it. But that is what you are doing when organisations become your chief concern. “How many members are there in it?” That is the first question I am asked by all newspaper reporters. “How many followers have you? By their number we shall judge whether what you say is true or false.” I do not know how many there are. I am not concerned with that. If there were even one man who had been set free, that were enough….

Again, you have the idea that only certain people hold the key to the Kingdom of Happiness. No one holds it. No one has the authority to hold that key. That key is your own self, and in the development and the purification and in the incorruptibility of that self alone is the Kingdom of Eternity….

You have been accustomed to being told how far you have advanced, what is your spiritual status. How childish! Who but yourself can tell you if you are incorruptible?….

But those who really desire to understand, who are looking to find that which is eternal, without a beginning and without an end, will walk together with greater intensity, will be a danger to everything that is unessential, to unrealities, to shadows. And they will concentrate, they will become the flame, because they understand. Such a body we must create, and that is my purpose. Because of that true friendship - which you do not seem to know - there will be real co-operation on the part of each one. And this not because of authority, not because of salvation, but because you really understand, and hence are capable of living in the eternal. This is a greater thing than all pleasure, than all sacrifice.

So those are some of the reasons why, after careful consideration for two years, I have made this decision. It is not from a momentary impulse. I have not been persuaded to it by anyone - I am not persuaded in such things. For two years I have been thinking about this, slowly, carefully, patiently, and I have now decided to disband the Order, as I happen to be its Head. You can form other organisations and expect someone else. With that I am not concerned, nor with creating new cages, new decorations for those cages. My only concern is to set men absolutely, unconditionally free.”